Edward the director--hey he his not that bad of a guy..

Ok, so if you have read just a snap full of events that took place under Ed's care--you might get the impression that he really is out of touch with his group home operations. But there is a solid base from which Edward first started out. It is not his fault that he surrounded himself with people with their own private agendas. There was this one time that Ed come to my rescue, when we had to have a bike to go on a class trip..He said that I could borrow his ten speed. After the trip I was riding around the neighborhood and was trying to figure out the gears, so I was on a side street and changing gears and looking down as I was riding seeing how the chain changed the different sprockets...as I was looking down a car parked in front of his house, and he just got out, as I rammed into the back of the car with such force that it bent the forks on Eds bike......The car was an old one, and the owner said don't worry about the scratch it was just another mark...thank goodness for that...he tried to bend the forks back but I bent them good....I walked to the gas station, and the mechanic said hmm, no problem..took the front wheel off ..stuck it in a vice and bent the forks back....I tried to pay him and he said hey don't worry about it....just watch out where you are going eh....So now one last hurdle....telling Ed about his bike...I thanked him for the use of it, and then I started to tell him about hitting the car...he asked if I was ok? then asked if the bike is ok...I said yes...he said then hey babe it s all good...which was ok...
Ed made arrangements for a ice rink. He invited both houses to use the rink...Ed also dawned a pair of skates. I like others were skating around, while others were taking shots at net.....I was off to the side when all of the sudden my leg went numb....ouch ...what the hell...then my leg felt warm, and then blood appeared on the ice, I then knelt down and rolled up my pant leg, but there was too much blood to see how bad the cut was --just then ED said "damn sorry about that..but .you got in line of my slap shot."..I said "sorry didn't mean to". He said go into to the change room and clean up.. and he would be right in...So while he kept playing, I limped my way back to the dressing room and took off my skates..and wiped away the blood...damn it looked deep, I could see my bone. Well I waited and waited and still no Ed....Finally the time was over for the ice rink, and ED comes in....So how is it, I said I think I saw my bone...He said great thats all I need to do is sit in the hospital waiting room all night, he then questioned me again--this time very annoyed, why did I skate into the path of his slap shot? I quickly said that "I don't think I need stitches--it should be alright"...'he said you think so...good he says ...well see ya then.'........

Rape what AGAIN??--This time 2 boys at once.

Whew thank God I can't remember this attack. I must have split again during the attack but my poor roommate didn't.
Kathy was in charge of staff scheduling. So when she missed scheduled a night shift---hey look at that John just happened to be available to work that shift. Now he was a part time staff at Kennedy road home, not the morningside home. So to have him work at our house was very strange...very strange indeed. Anyway..........both I and my roommate loved tea, so when John was boiling the kettle we too prepared our cups for tea....Is this where John put the drugs into the tea? Most likely. Todd my roommate took like 5 sugars in his tea, I didn't take any sugar just milk. So when the kettle boiled John poured the water and put the milk in...and already took the tea bag out.......So we thanked him then went back into the TV room. Todd finished all of his tea, but John put sugar in mine, so I only drank a bit and poured the rest down the drain. then we both went to bed for sleep aha, so we thought. What happened during the night? Well either I blanked the night out or had enough of the drug not to recall---all I do remember is waking up with my underwear on the floor and my roommate gone..with the strange feeling something happened but I don't remember what. I know for sure that I would never take my underwear off.... Got washed and dressed for school......funny still no sign of my roommate. Time for bed and still no sign of Todd......he was gone....vanished...A couple of days later one of the staff approached me and said that he needed my help. I said sure ..doing what...He said that it concerned my roommate Todd......I shook my head showing understanding go on.......He said that a couple of days ago Todd overdosed was rushed to the hospital--he was ok and now was in tower 10 in Scarborough hospital.. Todd wanted to see me, I questioned why me..The staff said that he wanted to see a friend...and that friend was me....I thought this kinda of odd as he and I were just new roommates and didn't really know each other yet...but the staff said that Todd must have thought me as a friend so I should think of him as one as well...I said ok...I will visit him in the hospital, but was unsure as to what to say to him...We arrived at the hospital and went up to the tenth floor...We introduced ourselves at the nursing station and sat down in this lounge and waited. Todd arrived looking wide eyed and strung out... but happy to see me...So he is talking to me and mentions about the other night, and apologized to me, saying that he was forced to and asked if I was ok.....I looked at him and wondered what the hell was he talking about? The Kennedy house staff member was close and wasn't given us a chance to talk amongst ourselves..so Todd carries on and asks me how much do I remember of that night....The only thing I remember is that I woke up with my underwear was off and Todd was missing...but I didn't tell him about my underwear being off, but I did say that he was gone and questioned him as to what happened to him...He said really!? I didn't remember what happened, I again said no...why what happened I now asked him.....that is where the staff member said lets have a nice visit eh?? and with that it seemed like the visit was over....Todd left saying again....that he was sorry for what he did...and with that we left.......never to see each other again...I have visions and vague images of what happened....but between being drugged and the fact that I blocked that night out, afterall I didn't end up in tower 10--would I end up there if I did bring the memories out?..........

Well why didn't you report the rape?

I have often questioned myself as to why didn't I report the attack. Fear --Shock--embarrassment. I withdrew..I walked around the house trying to blend into the furniture, the walls--as I passed by people I looked away and wouldn't make eye contact--I couldn't make eye contact. I felt that if I looked into someone's eyes they could see the shame. After awhile one of the staff said hey man whats up with rob walks by as if he doesn't see us....so he got all the guys to mimic my behavior and they all walked around like me---we all laughed at the bizarre behavior..And with that I pushed the attack out of mind.....yeah right so I thought---till the next time................

help...Help...HELP!!--RAPE

Well lets skip a couple of years because this part keeps repeating daily. It knows no boundaries, it's a memory that plays over and over like an record album where the penny fell off the needle. It intrudes on my life then and carries the same impact as the day it happened........A staff from Kennedy road house started visiting Morningside Kennedy house because he was dating the head supervisor Kathy. John came around often--too often.........The circumstances that lead up to the event that changed my life....Kathy started to bait me and on purpose tried to get me going....It seemed odd for her to try and get my goat...looking back I wondered if maybe Kathy knew of what was about to happen and she was in on it...anyway she was trying to get me mad started to argue with me....expecting me to rage out of control...well I wasn't buying into this setup...everything seemed too practiced and staged....John jumped in and said that "I should cool down."...I repeated his statement.."cool down?--about what?"....he then grabbed me and pulled me into the living room, threw me up against the wall and held me by my wrists, with my hands above my head--his body pushing full against mine...I asked him "what was he doing....and to please let me go"-He then repeated his demands that I stop resisting and cool down........I again assured him that "I was cool and wondered why he was doing this to me". He says again "that I am resisting ,-so that I must go to my room for a time out."........."I said sure...whatever...let me go and I will go upstairs....We start to go up, "and I says to him, hey you want to let go of my wrists"--he then squeezes my wrists harder--he then makes my wrists bend forward and the pain is so intense that I can't speak let alone scream ...he leads me up the stairs.........I look over where the stain glass windows use to be and now are replaced with glass with wire inside.....somehow we made it to the top of the stairs and into my room, "I said ok now let go". He didn't respond, we fall on the bed together with him still holding my wrists..now I started to try and push him off, damn for a skinny guy he sure was strong...I couldn't even break his grip on my wrists--they were locked on...I stopped struggling buy he didn't-- started to rub his crotch into mine---what the...I can't believe this....why me, what is he doing that to me for? He positioned himself further up my body and started to nuzzle into my neck, I could smell his cologne...felt his face as he brushed up against my cheek......It was at this time........something clicked.......I got out of there....I split from myself and stood up and watched as this kid was lying underneath this man getting raped. Poor kid I thought as I looked down at John pumping his hips into the kid. Time seemed to stand still........minutes felt like hours... then .I was again beneath John, as he slowed down and he seemed out of breath as if he just ran a marathon...Inbetween his gasps of breath he finally spoke again said just be cool you had this coming..If you were good then this wouldn't have happened. He left my bedroom. I just lie there ...I could feel the blood return to my hands, and they started to throb..I could feel the pain..but funny how it wasn't registering. I just lay there ..alone ........all alone.

Becky's condom party.

Well I was in the garage with some other guys, someone donated a pool table. So it was set up in there. On the floor was one of the guys who was dating Becky's sister, he was hugging a couch pillow, and sniffy into it. Odd habit....mental note --avoid that red throw pillow. So one by one we all played pool taking our turns with Kevin sniffing into this throw pillow. I couldn't take the sniffing anymore, and suggested that he should go blow his nose USING a tissue and not our pillow's. He seemed to ignore me/us. So I was still playing pool when it was just me and Kevin. One of the staff came in doing a head count...asked Kevin if he was ok, Kevin said yeah.no..........prob...lem....man. Well he was high that was for sure, and he gave himself away, the staff approached him, and yanked his pillow away revealing a baggie of glue....damn he was sniffing glue....busted....I asked him why would he blow his brain cells away like that----he said don't knock it till you try it........Well with Kevin being busted it got everyone hyped up, so I just stayed in the garage playing pool as they went nuts in the house. One of the other guys also escaped the fun house and came into the garage. He gave me the latest scoop and said that the excitement was over, and that Becky was over.......He then told me that Becky would come into the garage and go up the ladder and that there was a mattress up there--"hmm, really "--I say--so to prove his point he mounts the ladder and throws down a whole bunch of condom wrappers. He then comes up with this great idea of hanging all the used condoms on nails in the garage. All he needed was Becky to see her condom collection on display. I was the one elected to bring her into the garage to show her the new pool table.....So I go over to the house and invite her over to the garage to see the new pool table, and it seems that everyone is following us over there, and she sees the used condoms hanging from the nails, and the wrappers on the floor, and the guy even then tossed down the stained mattress....Well that was more then she could take she ran back into the house, and the staff ran after wanting to know what that was all about....after that the garage was locked and Becky was never seen again.

Ok bend over, and lets take a look..-huh?

Well winter time, and what better then to taboggan down Morningside hill. It was a steep hill and ended in the creek. One of the older guys went first. He went down very fast--he yelled up--don't do it--its way fast and not enough of a run to slow down before the creek. Well we had the experts with us, so they said if you go down more at an angle, you won't build up the speed, and you will have more of an end run. Well that seemed to be the trick to tackling this hill. One after another they went down. Now it was my turn--I followed the path of the previous guy, and all was going well, when I hit a rock, and it straightened my sled, now I was going down head on---everyone was yelling to jump off--I was picking up speed--I put my foot out of the sled and my boot got ripped off, but I managed to shift off the sled, now I was going down the hill without a sled on my butt, I saw the sled had reached the bottom and headed for the creek, OUCH...I hit a rock...right between my legs. It smashed against my tail bone. I made it to the bottom. One of the guys reached me and handed me my boot, asking me if I was all right. Damn my butt hurt, I could feel wetness fill my jeans, either I shit myself, or I am bleeding...I limped towards the service entrance road and slowly climbed up towards the road. I made it finally to the home and to my room, changed my clothes, and washed the blood off my legs. I went down to tell the staff that I wouldn't be able to go to school, and why....Dennis said sorry but not going to school was not an option...I said that I couldn't sit in a chair all day with my butt hurting. With that I went upstairs, he came up and said he would have to inspect the wound---I said sorry but I don't think you understand, the rock hit my tail bone-as if that alone would have been enough for anyone to oh, ok......Nope he now wanted to know If I was to proceed to the hospital, so he would have to take a look---what the.....In the washroom we go, and he said drop my pj's and he sat on the floor and asked me to bend over--Well I never been so embarrassed before, as he inspected my anus, he then grabbed my cheeks and pryed them apart, I says to him what the hell....are you looking for!! My tail bone isn't in there, he said that he saw some blood and wanted to make sure nothing was bleeding anywhere else...The next day another staff member was on, and I wasn't even going to try to stay home from school--
That night Dennis was back on , and he had this way of making people do it his way RIGHT NOW! He had the biggest gob of keys that I ever saw. The damned key chain must have been over 5 pounds. One of the older guys didn't feel like doing his chores that night, so Dennis would give him to the count of 10 and then he was going to get this gob of keys thrown at him. There was no way he would throw that hunk of metal at the kid....Damn if he didn't start the count down, he got to 10 and he didn't just toss the keys at him, he threw them with such force that they bounced off the kids arm and hit the wall leaving a mark in the wall. Everyone in the room went silent....Dennis brought a whole new meaning to the word keyhole...................

Where the hell do they find these Social Workers?

Social workers were/are a strange bunch that is for sure. They say that what they do, they do for us --baloney!
For starters lets introduce Patrick. A older hippy type of guy. He reminds me of a 486 computer with not enough ram to run all the processors at once. Although a nice guy, he has this habit of shutting down to think, he makes a pot of coffee and then crawls onto the donated leather couch, and takes off his glasses and thinks. ? - I ask him are you still awake, he clearly answers yes, and says that he is a champion bridge player and is figuring out different bridge games, going over the latest game that he read in the Toronto Star. I was just asking if you were awake because you haven't touched your coffee that you brought into the off limits to all food and beverages palour. He likes his coffee cold, more flavor--oh ok...thanks. I hear some guys upstairs, calling me up. They gave me shit because they want Patrick to fall asleep so they can break into the house office and get some drugs. I caution them that Patrick isn't sleeping he is thinking....While Patrick must have been in deep thought as the kids broke into the house office--searching for drugs, they found what they were looking for gravol--they quickly took the package and then fixed the house office door, and went back upstairs to get high on gravol--can you get high on gravol? Maybe I should interrupt Patrick's bridge game and ask him.........................

Meet the board.

Still wondering how an office could be in the garage, I went over to the high school parking lot and stared at the window which was about 5 feet long and 3 feet wide, and it was mirrored. I couldn't see in. So I went over to the other side and the windows were too high, and had air conditioners sticking out...still can't see in. I then noticed that some really expensive cars were parking in the huge lot beside the garage. Some well dressed men got out and went into the office part of the garage. I then went back to the home, and finished my homework. There finally finished...I desended the stairs, pausing to admire two more beautiful stained glass windows...I could feel a slight breeze coming from the lead in between the coloured glass...I just then heard a knock on the door, I answered it, there was a Pizza guy--hey great Pizza as snack tonight whats the occasion? Just then one of the staff said that he was to deliver it to the office..around back, the guy didn't understand...so I was asked to take the pizza guy over to the office..I entered the door with the pizza guy, and was amazed that it was beautiful plush carpeting, with Chinese weave on the walls. I opened an door ---and oops found the washroom, all modern and clean. Turned and mounted the stairs, holding onto this rich thick oak railing--A desk with a fancy typewriter, and an office phone was preached on this office desk. Through a door was a kitchen and an Xerox machine, and yet another door, and there was I assumed ED's office. The pizza guy said do you know where you are going? I said not really this was the first time I have been in the office, he grunted whatever, we heard people talking --sounded as they were downstairs, man thin walls, it is amazing Ed never heard Beckys moans--anyway back downstairs, and through another door, was this huge room, with couches and chairs...man does this place ever end?--Seated were the rich guys, and then a guy who looked like Burt Reynolds comes up and says hey its here guys. Pays the guy off and , Burt(ED) says to me to go upstairs to the kitchen and get some napkins. So back upstairs I go--into the kitchen and grab a whole pack of napkins...I put them by the table by the pizza, and then grab a few and serve them around to the men. Ed says to me fetch yourself a slice. I seat myself down and blend into the furniture, they start talking about the home and asking me about the updates and if the construction crew finished the attic yet which will house a further 6 boys.. Damn there is an attic in the home, that will fit that many--must check out the attic later...anyway the board I found out is made up of some very important business people. Well that night I found the stairway up to the attic, and yup just as they stated it was huge, and still in construction stages. I come back down and one of the board guys is in the kitchen, and some of the guys know him from when they were at the other home. Doug was sitting showing them something, and everyone was then smacking the table with their knuckles.....he then sees me and says .. to the guys here watch...he tells me to come here..so I stand beside him, and he says to me, your fly is open....I bend down my head to look, and he takes his hand and snaps his knuckles into my head....oh man well didn't that hurt...The pain was so much that I couldn't breath...he then turns back to the guys and says see, if you stick your middle knuckle out about half an inch from the rest you can deliver a blow more focused then with a fist....Oh now I see I was used as a demo for beating people with more force and pinpointing the energy --much the same way as a hammer ...ok, now I feel better--not...ouch..The guys head into the tv room to try out their new found technique on each other, while Doug pulls me near, and tells me to sit down on the floor by his feet, and put my hands over my head to allow my lungs to take in more oxygen...there now doesn't that feel better...as he's rubbing my back....this guy is creeping me out...I feel as if I was being groomed for a further encounter down the road...mental note, stay away from this board member...he can get up and get his own napkin next time........

Becky 'comes' on her own.

I waited around for Becky but she was nowhere to be found, so I started to walk home, as I passed by Becky's house I saw two of the older boys from the home enter her house. I carried on homeward bound. That night as I was watching TV, I heard Becky's laugh...a kinda of high pitched giggle. I waited for her to knock on the door, but no one knocked...Curious I opened the door, and no one was around...Strange.. I went in the backyard and I could hear her laugh coming from the garage, opening the man door to the garage, I followed her giggles --what the...She sounded as if she was up in the rafters in the garage, ascending the wooden ladder to the rafters , there on a flat board was a mattress, and on top of that was a very naked Becky...Damn she was pretty--Pat must have thought so as well. He was busy checking under the 'hood'--I was still on ladder not 2 feet from them, they were oblivious to me. I thought well this is one side I never seen of Becky--Half of me wanted to stay there and just watch the show, while the other half wanted to stop the madness. Hell she was 13 Pat was one of the older guys, 17..I must save her......hmm, doesn't sound as if she needs to be saved from anything as she started to move her hips and started to moan as Pat kept working on her---I very quickly didn't want to be there anymore--and I sure the hell didn't want Pat to be there either--somehow it just didn't feel right...Well I made a noise with my foot, stomping the ladder rung, but they were well beyond hearing garage noises, Becky started to really become loud, and moving her hips wildly, Pat said hey quiet, Ed the director of the house was on the otherside of the wall, in his office. All of us went silent, straining our ears to hear if ED heard, nope--just heard the drone of CBS radio making an radio id announcement--I took this opportunity to also, make some of my own noise, I went to say something, but my throat was dry, and the only sound that came out was a giggle --a giggle that sound like a Becky giggle. Pat YELLED HEY.........HEY. 5 minutes later they both came into the tv room, and said hey you didn't say anything to the staff --did you..I searched Becky's face, she was avoiding looking at me...I said to Pat nope..good then, as he turned to Becky and said "see I told you -no harm done". After that -Well at least things went back to normal, school recess times never flew by again....................

Becky's first visit to 'THE HOME'

It wasn't soon after that Becky wanted to come over to the group home....to check it out. So after school went walked the short distance past her house and continued up the street to my new home. I opened the door and informed the staff that I had friends over from school. They said that I could show them around the ground floor but no visitors were allowed up to the bedrooms. As we toured the house, all the boys eyes were on the girls--It was like hanging a steak over the fence of a junkyard, teasing the dirty dogs, only these steaks were doing their own taughting and waving. It was then that I felt that this was a mistake--too late though. The girls sat down at the kitchen table, and yes so did most of the boys... I looked around at my fellow group home guys, and wondered what were they doing eyeing my school mates like that , hell they were old---16 and some even 17. I also sat down , but soon bored as the girls were the centre of attention and it wasn't me they were batting their eyes at. So I went upstairs to inspect my newly finished room, and to put away my belongings. The guys called up to me a couple of hours later and said 'my school' friends were leaving. So I opened the bedroom door and called down to them that I would see them at school tomorrow. Some of the guys offered to walk them home, I just closed my bedroom door.."yeah whatever"

West Hill P.S.---School first day....

Well the sun did come up after all, I survived the first day--but no time to congratulate myself. I had to be ready for school . I was sure that if I was tardy, it would not be taken lightly--as I touched my cheek tenderly. We arrived at the school, nope not the one beside the house, but a 10 minute walk down the street. It was an old school and had no machine shops or home economics or art studios like my old school Thistletown Middle School. I was half expecting all the kids to be wearing blue jean coveralls and sporting straw hats, sucking on a weed.
Once settled in to the class, I felt the 'new kid syndrome' all eyes watching every move I made. Damn finally a break-- recess. Wondering around the school grounds I was drawn to two girls who were kinda of watching me with interest--hmmm, maybe this isn't going to be that bad after all. Thats all it took, for me to acknowledge their stare, and they bounced over to where I was standing. And I mean bounce....man must be the fresh country air out here, especially one girl--Becky was her name as I was to find out later. Hi we all exchanged greetings. They found out that I lived at 'THE' group home. And that fact somehow made me unique. I questioned them --why? They said that the whole neighborhood heard about the new group home and that they all wanted to stop it from being brought here to their community because they didn't want a whole bunch of young criminals being warehoused in 'their' backyard. Well I found out that Becky lived with her mom and older sister. The other girl--Leslie kinda gave way to the more out going 'healthy' girl. So if she talked I wasn't listening as I was glued to Becky's ......movements and wild gestures. As if she could see that I was spell bound, she decided to play a game called 'grab bag' and with a shrieks she grabbed my --well....BAG---ouch. This game was new to me, and awfully painful too, so Becky then said the other part of the game, was to grab the nipple--and tweaked her friends nipple, with the accompanying words--GRAB NIPPLE---TWIST--damn now that I knew how to play.......Well that was one of the first times recess ever went so fast in a long time.

Well lets begin......Once upon a time......

Well lets begin......Once upon a time......
Well I arrived. I was 13 and very nervous and scared. I took in the view of the huge old house it was in the stages of being renovated. I was directed to the front room which was to be the TV room. Inside was 3 beds and a whole bunch of junk. I was told that I was to sleep here for awhile till they finished the bedrooms. Great....It was bad enough that I was dragged out to the sticks , Scarborough Ontario, but now to find out that I was shoved into a home that wasn't even finished. I surveyed the room--the TV-room...Which had no TV...And gazed upon two stained glass windows...I walked over to the windows and looked out to see a huge school. I then turned to the left and traced with my finger the coloured glass. I thought to myself well this place can't be that bad if a pretty fragile window can survive here, then maybe I could too. Just then a woman burst into the room, --"please be seated on your bed here, I would like to go over some of your file with you." Well at least I knew now where I was to sleep--I sat on the bed, then she too lowered herself on my bed. I shoved over very quickly to make room for her--she was in my space-my comfort zone. She got down to business--laying out the "rules" of my new home. I was to be on house restriction--no leaving the Kennedy House residence without permission, bed times, meal times, and I was expected to do chores. Gee this woman, was scaring me.....I wanted to tell her that I was a good kid, and I really didn't belong here....I was a victim of a dysfunctional family, I didn't get placed here by the courts....Just as I was about to interrupt her ...She put a warning finger up, and said "I am not finished yet"..And you will be starting school tomorrow. I was so choked up at being dismissed, I started to cry...Spitting out all my thoughts into uncontrollable sobs......."Well none of that" she shouted, which just made me scream louder.....She at this point --smacked me across my left check..Yup that worked-I shut up. Happy that she now had the upper hand.........She carried on with my agenda and duties...I sat there on my bed, caressing my stinging cheek...Willing the pain would subside to a point where I could bare it. I fully tuned back in when she was saying she blamed me for making her slap me... And her voice softened and she said that ...She forgave me, and requested that I make more of an effort to fit in. Damn I wished for night to come quick, I was exhausted.