help...Help...HELP!!--RAPE

Well lets skip a couple of years because this part keeps repeating daily. It knows no boundaries, it's a memory that plays over and over like an record album where the penny fell off the needle. It intrudes on my life then and carries the same impact as the day it happened........A staff from Kennedy road house started visiting Morningside Kennedy house because he was dating the head supervisor Kathy. John came around often--too often.........The circumstances that lead up to the event that changed my life....Kathy started to bait me and on purpose tried to get me going....It seemed odd for her to try and get my goat...looking back I wondered if maybe Kathy knew of what was about to happen and she was in on it...anyway she was trying to get me mad started to argue with me....expecting me to rage out of control...well I wasn't buying into this setup...everything seemed too practiced and staged....John jumped in and said that "I should cool down."...I repeated his statement.."cool down?--about what?"....he then grabbed me and pulled me into the living room, threw me up against the wall and held me by my wrists, with my hands above my head--his body pushing full against mine...I asked him "what was he doing....and to please let me go"-He then repeated his demands that I stop resisting and cool down........I again assured him that "I was cool and wondered why he was doing this to me". He says again "that I am resisting ,-so that I must go to my room for a time out."........."I said sure...whatever...let me go and I will go upstairs....We start to go up, "and I says to him, hey you want to let go of my wrists"--he then squeezes my wrists harder--he then makes my wrists bend forward and the pain is so intense that I can't speak let alone scream ...he leads me up the stairs.........I look over where the stain glass windows use to be and now are replaced with glass with wire inside.....somehow we made it to the top of the stairs and into my room, "I said ok now let go". He didn't respond, we fall on the bed together with him still holding my wrists..now I started to try and push him off, damn for a skinny guy he sure was strong...I couldn't even break his grip on my wrists--they were locked on...I stopped struggling buy he didn't-- started to rub his crotch into mine---what the...I can't believe this....why me, what is he doing that to me for? He positioned himself further up my body and started to nuzzle into my neck, I could smell his cologne...felt his face as he brushed up against my cheek......It was at this time........something clicked.......I got out of there....I split from myself and stood up and watched as this kid was lying underneath this man getting raped. Poor kid I thought as I looked down at John pumping his hips into the kid. Time seemed to stand still........minutes felt like hours... then .I was again beneath John, as he slowed down and he seemed out of breath as if he just ran a marathon...Inbetween his gasps of breath he finally spoke again said just be cool you had this coming..If you were good then this wouldn't have happened. He left my bedroom. I just lie there ...I could feel the blood return to my hands, and they started to throb..I could feel the pain..but funny how it wasn't registering. I just lay there ..alone ........all alone.