Edward--The last thing I do before cashing in chips--

It was a rough time I was going through. I was trying to sort out in my mind why are I behaving this way...and then as I was staring in deep thought...the whole incident of John on top of me came rushing back....damn.. I thought...so this is a repressed memory...I throw the cup of tea I had against the wall...swearing..with all my might I screamed GET OFF OF ME YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!..well Bobby a couple of years too late..why didn't you say that back then...? Wow more shame and guilt.... I have this whole abuse situation running through my mind while I try to carry on in the real world--For a time I can balance it out stopping the abnormal experiences while I have to tune into the real world to make an adjustment in my work--after awhile It became harder --and harder til- eventually the past was taking over. I started again doing my invisible act.afraid to look anyone in the eye as they might somehow know and see my shame..this time no one around to remind me how asurd I looked. I fell into a pit of depression--I couldn't eat...I never lost my baby fat...until now...I lost so much weight that I could stand straight and look down and see my feet. My body started to do weird things also.. I smelt formaldehyde all the time...I think it was my body breaking down the protein in my muscles to try and keep everything running...Well time to cash in my chips...I couldn't take it anymore...Once the decision was made things started to get better...all I had to do was tie up loose ends...and then do the deed...I started to give away my stuff....everyone who received the goods seemed happy..One last thing to do...I decided to tell Edward about the abuse in Kennedy house...I was worried that someone else would have to go through the mental and emotional pain as I did...I called Edward at the home and he was happy to see me...We went out to lunch ...I was going to take my car as I wanted to tell him then be able to sneak off in my own vehicle as I wanted to avoid the silence that sure was to follow driving back to the home., but Edward insisted that we take his car...Hey what the hell.......eh...So we did all the what have you been doing stuff....then we got down to what was on my mind...I started telling him that I was abused at the home...and just like when I borrowed his bike and hit the car...he really didn't want to hear the details....He said that we all had our burdens in life to carry.....He decided to one up me on how he had to shuffle through life with seeing his best friend killed at Kennedy road house while driving a tractor and it rolled over on him ..killing him instantly...Damn if I didn't start to feel sorry for Edward...He said that even though I might have gone through some tough times...they didn't come close to his woe as me story....did it...he asked.....I stumbled trying to tell him that my incident was hard on me as well...the image of the movie "JAWS" came to mind as they all started to show their scars and try to one up everyone on who had the worst scar....Edward took the winds out of my sails....He said you all heath...you are on your own...have a job..car...bank account..and you are not in jail...so as he saw it I, was doing pretty good..sure I might have one or two issues that crossed the line..don't blow the what happened out of control....he urged...as he also has his own baggage but life goes on...We drove back to the house...I shook his hand...and said goodbye....damn he didn't hear a word I said...That part bugged me...and even worse the people involved were not going to answer for their wrong doings....